Author: rachelehill

December

A tough but most wonderful time of the year.

To begin with, December for me, is just like the rest of the year really, but then the crowds begin to flood the stores and there is a slight irritation which grows to anger in some for the needs to get everything they need (and a lot they don’t) for the season. This leads to me only going to the shops if I must. So much can be done online these days and if you do it early enough things can be ready in plenty of time. but there’s always the question of whether I have gotten enough. Then I go out to the stores last minute to see what I might be missing on Christmas Eve and I find that some people are having fun and enjoying themselves. The magic of Christmas is palpable then.

The first year without someone special is always hard. Christmas does magnify that, with either joy or pain. This too shall pass. Sometimes we just need to get through it, sometimes we need to be reminded of how this month, through the years, is worth celebrating for it has its own special traditions and good memories it gives us of times past with loved ones now gone. It also opens up the chance to reflect on what we might have achieved over the years, how we have gone from children loving the magic of Christmas opening those special gifts to grown adults sometimes becoming parents of our own children, seeing Christmas through different eyes and watching our own family age and change.

I work a lot of Christmas time and I am very grateful for it. So by the time I get to enjoy it and be winding down from work its Christmas Day! Because of this I must confess I like to listen to the music and relish all the goodies of the season into the first week of January up to Epiphany! Any reason to stretch it out and avoid the pressure to be starting the new years resolutions. This is also the time I’m eating the leftovers, munching down on all the Christmas foods, cheeses, cakes and chocolates which I found half price in the sales! Change happens and yes it is unavoidable, but I will get to it when I’m ready, no need to pressure me into it. 😊 Time for now to rest and celebrate another year.

If you are working like me or are not, please guard yourself against the pressures of the season. Make sure you rest and enjoy it if you can. If this year is going to be a write off that’s fine too. Look for the Magic. Remember the traditions of the past if they bring you joy, if not make the season what you want it to be.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Very Happy New Year. 💖

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November

As the year draws to a close the last of the leaves fall.

The last of the sun and warmth leave us and though there is a steady flow of work on my admin desk, there is also still so much fun stuff to do. In early November I always feel like there is still a lot of time, my family has a few birthdays before the festive season can really get started however directing Pantomime from mid-November always gets me in a Christmassy mood. I really enjoy the month as I get to do one of my most favourite things and direct Panto. I meet so many new people along with those who I have worked with for years and its comforting and challenging at the same time. Then by the end of the month I am filled with energy and trepidation about the few weeks in December for new shows, Christmas parties and networking with new colleagues. Thanksgiving party comes at a time that I usually miss, but this time it was a day after a two week-long job and though I needed rest, I was very grateful to still be involved. I still have a few things to sort out before the end of the year but will enjoy some rest for now after a wild ride of November has bought me many blessings.

Sending blessings to you all this November.

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October

The nights draw in, and mystery sets itself upon us, rain, damp, yet clings the summer sun.

Its the changing of the seasons during this October. Big decisions weigh heavy on my mind and whatever I decide I know a lot of change is coming. I face it every year, this beast of the SAD. It never gets easier, except to say that it is absolutely worth planning for.

I try Hugge, hot water bottles, gentle stretching, resting and calm. I try but always feel like I am not being as productive as I should be. I know more than most how important rest is and yet my programming is deep and I find it hard to adjust after the wonderful season of summer, knowing what is coming.

A dark cloud sitting heavy on my chest every night, every morning.

“Try being positive” I think. There are a few bits of light coming, Halloween, Fireworks night, Christmas. All leading up to the New Year and a fresh start (though we can get that feeling anytime really). Special SAD light lamps, being kind to yourself. I need to give these things to myself.

So to planning. Yes, I have found having things to look forward to is very helpful indeed to get me through the dark times. A trip to the theatre, a movie night with friends, going for a massage, having a nice meal to prepare, seasonal comforts and expeditions. “What’s next?” distracts me and fills my mind with positive feelings rather than dwelling on sadness. Therapy always helps too.

Do whatever works for you, and if your not sure what to do, do something, nothing will keep you in a spiral of negative thinking, doing something at very least will distract you and might even offer you a new experience and help you along the season too.

Sending you ease and flow during this changing time and wishing you warmth and comfort for the coming months. 💕🌟😊

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September

Summer light begins to fade

The summer has graced us again with its fullness and light and now the sun begins to withdraw earlier every evening and show up later in the morning. Its cooling and rainy and stormy and windy and sunny and totally unpredictable. What to wear sort of leans heavily on “layering” and my brain is sad and sluggish. Sad that I know the winter is coming and sluggish because I have been very naughty and eaten what I want rather than what I should.

Three wonderful weddings we’ve been to recently and the pressure for the day of the wedding and its weather is high, but thankfully they both went well and hardly any rain was seen. But more than the weather the bond of marriage and love was clear and present. What a joy it is to be invited to celebrate, and how secure they must be to find “the one”.

So much pressure is put on couples to not only find each other but to also commit and it can be costly and fraught with problems. Many people pointed to me at these weddings saying “you’ll be next”, I know they mean well, but I control my destiny thanks.

Shake off the weight of expectation.

Formalities like this are a natural and good part of life, but remember you are the one who is in control of your life, though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I feel controlled by many things but I have found it can feel a bit lighter if you decide you chose it.

I chose to suffer in the past because It was what I knew and what was safe to me. I choose to be free of pain wherever possible as it no longer serves me.

Life can be a bitch sometimes. But you have to keep going. I am squeezing as much joy as I can out of the Summer season (my favourite) as possible, and reviewing my position and looking at what no longer serves me and looking to leave those parts behind.

We all have to grow and change is the only thing which is constant. May the changes you go through this month be as smooth as can be. Wishing you September peace. ☀️🍁💨

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August

Summertime in full swing

I absolutely love this time of year. The long stretch of daylight makes me feel like I can get so much accomplished in a day, a full day at work then paint the fences? Or rather then sit in the garden and enjoy the flowers!

Last year we transformed the garden from green oblong to flower edged experiment which is now in full bloom and looking colourful. I added a few colourful editions this spring and its now a glorious sight, still a work in progress for sure, we de-weed and prune as we go, but something we are quite proud of. We also have a new patio area/future shed base which was transformed in May which for now holds a couple of fold up garden chairs and a table in the shade of the hot sun on days when were too hot.

I also dug out my kids swimming pool which ended up housing three frogs for a few days after we cooled out feet in the water after a long week. I know that work is hard in these conditions if you have a physical job and I am grateful for the air conditioning at work, but I really enjoy feeling the sun on my skin. Its relaxing and I feel a lot less stressed over the summertime.

I have solitary moments sitting in the garden later at night with a blanket enjoying the sunsets and listen to the birds in the morning over breakfast or a cup of tea. Its become comfy and enjoyable there now and I really like it out there. I haven’t been able to take any holiday this month away from work sadly, so I’m stealing every afternoon and early morning I can to be in the garden space. I feel sad to be inside when its like this, but that’s just the way things are at the moment.

And the washing! Dry in a day! What a joy to not have to wait a week whilst it hangs dry inside! At my age that’s a big win and I feel a whole lot better for it.

There is always an event on in the surrounding towns and I like to get out and about in it. making some new memories with friends and loved ones. A day trip to the seaside from this most landlocked town takes us a few hours but we made it to Southwold and stepped into the sea. A nice time but a long day for travelling. Next time I’ll take some holiday for sure.

Summertime reminds me of my childhood and the adventures we went on as a family. I have many happy memories in the sunshine. I wish you and your own families all the joy of the summer. 💖☀️😎

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July

I’m back baby!

After having a year off of writing in this blog I have unintentionally picked up right where I left on the following month a whole year later. What has changed? Quite a bit actually. I have come to a realisation that I have many interests and when I speak to people about them I like to share my knowledge. Do you ever feel like your thoughts aren’t catching up with your mouth or that your writing isn’t fast enough for your thoughts? Well, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately!

Its July and around the Summer Solstice I find it difficult to sleep well. A month later now and I am getting back to it and feeling better, but for a moment there I was sleep deprived with so many renewed ideas and purposes. Summer really fills me up and right now I feel overflowing, but I know that summer is not forever.

These new ideas and thoughts used to torment me in years past. Not knowing what to do with the information in my dreams. Now I try to listen a bit more and take something from those experiences.

I know I’m very lucky to be able to have and remember some of my dreams. As bizarre as they are, I take it that I naturally have a creative sensed mind and my hobbies outside of work continue to reflect that.

I have gotten more into creating and editing video these past few weeks and am experimenting with online posts and really enjoying it.

I love learning new things and being brave by taking action on these new learnings.

July is the start of the summer holidays here, we’ve already had a lot of sunshine and currently those summer storms are heavy, but sunshine and good times are plenty yet to come.

Wishing you all a wonderful summertime. ☀️😎🫶

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June

June is busting out all over.

The climax of the year. The bursting open of the flowers, the nests full of baby birds. The culmination of a years hard work being tested and pushed to your capacities. The exhilaration of the stage. The culmination of all efforts ending and the final rest and relaxation of a break away. Sleep. Fudge and Cornish pasties. mmmmm.

What a month this has been. My exams are finally over and so is my show. Sadly too is my well deserved holiday, but I am so relieved it all went well. It was all completed well and I can honestly say I don’t think I could have done it any better. I definitely feel I took on too much, but I also don’t like missing great opportunities. Going forward I’d love to try to work on getting that balanced!

But for now its rest time, break time until I get bored and do something – ha!

I’m really enjoying nature right now. Its really at its best here in England right now. The birds nest on the neighbouring caravan on our holidays was definitely a little highlight. How amazing nature is, and how powerful too. This season our garden grows and I am in awe of it.

Wishing you all an excellent month outdoors and in.

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May

Following on from last month, I’m pleased to report that i’m getting happier everyday. Its not a constant upward trend, its like the stock market, Up and down over the days but overall its better.

This feeling of militant time management reminds me of when I decided to try out Minimalism. I stopped having a TV and watching shows and movies, I sorted out my massive wardrobe and even tried experimenting with only wearing 33 items. I also fixed up my digital stores and got rid of so many pointless photos, momentos and silly useless things. Previously I never wanted a bargain to pass me by but after understanding more about minimalism, I began to question why I felt it might or might not be of value to me in my life there and then. Once I tried that it was so much easier to let go.

Minimalism is a constant ride of simplifying your life and I do enjoy the peace and quiet it has bought me. I am finding it might even be influencing those around me too. However ever the pessamist a thought floats to my mind… Its a sort of daunting thought though that I will soon be faced with pages of nothing extracurricular in the diary after 6 weeks. What am I supposed to do with my life then? I guess the next adventure begins then, and hopefully its one filled with restfulness!

Wishing you a restful May!

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April

Q1 done.

What a year its been so far. Its not been the kindest, but there are always lessons to be learned. I also now recognise its a season of life that I’m going through and I’m grateful for my constant companions. That’s the way forward sometimes. Becoming grateful.

This month, things are getting brighter. Both weatherwise and “hope on the horizon” wise. Holidays are coming and time away from it all is certainly just what the doctor ordered. I cannot wait for the next 6 weeks to be done. I currently have a militant lifestyle to fit in everything I need to in the lead up to my exams and show (that project I spoke about in January). But I need to have a focus like never before to make up for lost time in other necessary sideshows that have been really draining me of late. Its possible. I have made several “plans” for productivity, which have had to be refined over the months, but now it has to be what it is. Nothing but an earthquake or being run over I’d going to stop me now, because I cannot afford the time lost in anything else. Strangely I’m actually enjoying it. The productivity output is weirdly satisfying. Now don’t get me wrong I know myself too well to know that this isn’t going to stick, But I have to say its quite nice to not have to take on any extracurricular options as I just don’t have the time for it currently. I have temporarily shut off everything extra in my life to deal with the only thing that matters right now. Family, exams and show.

Thanks for reading. I am grateful for you. 🙂

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(Missing) March

March went missing. It turned up eventually, late, bedraggled, and wounded, like a lost cat who just needed to rest and recover. I felt it hard in my bones, a wash of winter and damp and old rotten leaves. Then whipped hard by the wind and hail. I was buried and worn, and then stripped and drenched, just able to connect the dots and make shape of my day to day. What happened? Nothing of great report. I could count it as a disconnect. I certainly wasn’t eating right, not thinking hard. I autopiloted March and feel have nothing to show for it. Counting the landmarks, when the pay comes in, the bills go out, my period. Emotionally empty, nothing more to it. Miserable and down as far as you could go, though no-one else would see it. Like I said buried.

But I felt it all. In my own, on my own. Deep and it overwhelmed me. But I felt it.

Perhaps I did do something after all.

I believe this is what they call ‘deep work’. I have just sat in all my own emotions for a while and its true that the overwhelming sense of it has been grief. So many things in my life recently have hit me hard, and dealing with it, and continuing to hide things outwardly especially with the nature of the work I do has its challenges. But I have begun to open up about it. Most people have been supportive, one has shockingly taken advantage of my vulnerability. A stigma that carries over even today. But on the whole Its been positive and a feeling of things off my chest feels ok. Now if I ‘need a minute’ at work, its ok. People are aware and understanding. Its a little bit alien for me to be open. I do feel vulnerable. Its not the best feeling. But its ok. I’m getting through it.

Learning the lessons, Going slowly. Feeling my way in my life.

I have rediscovered my joy of nature. I love the instinctive slow and simpleness. The sound of the birds in the morning, or at anytime. I do love that sound. The sun, when it decides to shine, makes my whole day better. “Thank you”. I am grateful. I am ready.

Time to let go of this weight. To lay down my burdens and to be healed. Time to look forward and start taking little steps to get there.

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