(Missing) March

March went missing. It turned up eventually, late, bedraggled, and wounded, like a lost cat who just needed to rest and recover. I felt it hard in my bones, a wash of winter and damp and old rotten leaves. Then whipped hard by the wind and hail. I was buried and worn, and then stripped and drenched, just able to connect the dots and make shape of my day to day. What happened? Nothing of great report. I could count it as a disconnect. I certainly wasn’t eating right, not thinking hard. I autopiloted March and feel have nothing to show for it. Counting the landmarks, when the pay comes in, the bills go out, my period. Emotionally empty, nothing more to it. Miserable and down as far as you could go, though no-one else would see it. Like I said buried.

But I felt it all. In my own, on my own. Deep and it overwhelmed me. But I felt it.

Perhaps I did do something after all.

I believe this is what they call ‘deep work’. I have just sat in all my own emotions for a while and its true that the overwhelming sense of it has been grief. So many things in my life recently have hit me hard, and dealing with it, and continuing to hide things outwardly especially with the nature of the work I do has its challenges. But I have begun to open up about it. Most people have been supportive, one has shockingly taken advantage of my vulnerability. A stigma that carries over even today. But on the whole Its been positive and a feeling of things off my chest feels ok. Now if I ‘need a minute’ at work, its ok. People are aware and understanding. Its a little bit alien for me to be open. I do feel vulnerable. Its not the best feeling. But its ok. I’m getting through it.

Learning the lessons, Going slowly. Feeling my way in my life.

I have rediscovered my joy of nature. I love the instinctive slow and simpleness. The sound of the birds in the morning, or at anytime. I do love that sound. The sun, when it decides to shine, makes my whole day better. “Thank you”. I am grateful. I am ready.

Time to let go of this weight. To lay down my burdens and to be healed. Time to look forward and start taking little steps to get there.