February

The end of February brings a strange sense of weariness for me. The spring is here under false pretence as the snowdrops, crocuses and daffodils uncurl themselves from the dirt and cold of winter only to be battered by new frosts and dropping temperatures. The world can’t quite decide what to do. Indecisive day to day, being pushed and pulled in and out of the season. It’s a trying time for a lot of us now. The hope the brighter days brings over the long wait for the summer months. Death grows closer to us all with each passing year and another family member gone never to return. What feeling is this? It is grief. The numbness and the dullness of some days make me passionate to do drastic and irrational things, to brighten the days I have left. It’s a dark cloud though I hide it well. I do what I can daily for the others in my life, but now I feel a need to be selfish and do what I want to do to feel better. Trouble is I don’t remember what that is. I have hidden myself so well I do not know what I am anymore. I take time, filling it with the mundane things, just to fill it. But the space is what I need. Its empty and dark and I am scared. Of course, I fill it up with TV. Movies, scrolling. Oh the scrolling. Better for me to feel the pain? Is that the truth? I should feel the pain, it will teach me, fill me, heal me? But so, slow its progress is it makes me turn away back to the distractions that comfort me. To feel the pain that burns my bones, is impossibly horrendous. Distraction is everywhere and its comforting. But is it so that brutal pain could be good for me? To feel the pain in my heart with all that I am. To learn the lesson and heal and help others. To grow into something better rather than stay in that place, that comfortable distraction. That keeps me from moving much at all…. My grief for family and all, my general pain and general distraction is wearying.